People who start blogs are such self-involved assholes, right?
Also, hi. Welcome to the blog I started.
That’s right, I’m one of those self-involved assholes who started a blog. I’m actually quite embarrassed for myself for starting this. I’ve even tried to talk myself out of it, but apparently I’m going through with it. And now please, allow me to try to explain myself.
Why I’m an Asshole, But Also Not an Asshole
I’m assuming it’s a universal feeling to think people who start their own blogs are assholes. It’s just such an eye-roll thing, right? Like, oh cool, you’re a blogger! How revolutionary! How awe-inspiring!
What I think it comes down to is that by starting your own blog, you’re essentially saying to the world that your thoughts are just so very important that they must be read by others. You think your sense of fashion, your way of styling hummus spread (yes, an actual blog post I’ve read in the past), your fitness journey, basically your everything and anything is so important.
This is not to say all blogs suck. There are some blogs I love and read every day. Though, even the blogs I love to read required someone to be like, ‘My thoughts NEED to be read and consumed by others for the good of the world!’ So yes, even great blogs were started by assholes.
That raises the question: Do I think my thoughts are so revolutionary, so interesting, so important that they must be read by others?
In short, fuck no.
On a day-to-day basis, here are my thoughts:
What should I wear? I need to lose weight. Okay, but what should I eat? Will my editor let me write about Gossip Girl again? Oh, Michael Fassbender’s penis… I should text this person back. What did Podrick really do to those prostitutes on Game of Thrones? Is it a socially acceptable hour to drink yet? I should wake up earlier, read more, write about more important things, be a better version of myself. Oh, but Jon Hamm’s penis… Umami Burger. Will my editor let me write about Sex and the City again? It’s time to masturbate to The Good Wife and go to bed.
There’s really not much there, guys.
Instead, what I always hope for is that my expression of my thoughts is what’s worth reading. I hope the way I articulate my thoughts is interesting, or beautiful, or funny, or – at its best – all of the above. And at the very least, I just hope that it’s not shitty writing. So, I suppose that’s the reason this asshole is starting her blog: I don’t think my thoughts are all that groundbreaking, but I think, from time to time, I can be a good writer.
I mean, I hope I’m a good writer because that’s, like, my job. I already write for several publications on the Internet. That’s right, I’m already covering the whole Internet with my gooey web of Gossip Girl ramblings. You’d think that would be enough. But here I am starting a blog too, because there are things I want to write about that the publications I write for won’t publish. Like, if I want to write a sonnet about Jon Snow’s ball hair? Yeah, no one is going to publish that. Trust me, I’ve tried.
This blog is an answer to my pangs of wanting to write about something so particular and weird (Jon Snow’s ball hair) the mainstream blogs for which I write would never carry.
Also, the blogs I write for don’t let me use the word “fuck” and sometimes, I really fucking itch to fucking write fuck. (FUCK, THAT FELT SO GOOD.)
But like, let’s talk about me some more. Another reason I started this blog is because a lot of people have been telling me to start a blog. This is absolutely not me bragging about my writing abilities. The only person who has ever told me to start a blog because she genuinely likes my writing is Brittany Everly, who earned a shout out for supporting my writing for over a decade, even when it was shittier than that letter Ramsay Bolton wrote Jon Snow. (Remember how he kept writing ‘come and see’ like a total weirdo?)
Back to all those people telling me to start a blog. Well, it was mostly for branding purposes, which makes sense. I mean, I definitely hate all those people for the unsolicited advice about my career, but they were right. Starting this blog creates a hub, at which you can locate all my writing. It’s like a evil lair of my writing. Mwahaha.
If someone wasn’t telling me to start a blog, they would ask me if I had one. Living in LA, it would go like this: I would meet someone and, after I told them I’m a writer, their first question would always be, “Do you have a blog?” Then, I’d go about explaining that no, I did not have a personal blog, but I really did write for some major sites. Trust me, it would get awkward when me – the writer – didn’t have a blog, but the actress/yoga instructor/religious missionary/singer did.
This way, I can just say, “Yes, I do have a blog because yes, I’m an asshole.”
What’s This Asshole’s Blog About, Anyway?
It’s about my favorite things: sex and television. I could have made it about my three favorite things (sex, television, and potato chips) and named it ChipsDicksandTV.com, but it just didn’t have the same ring to it.
My mission statement for this blog is something like this: At its best, this blog will examine the relationship between sex on television and sex in real life. At its worst, it’ll be a sonnet about Jon Snow’s ball hair, which is probably glorious.
I named this blog Sex and the TV because that’s what the blog is about. (Duh.) But it’s also a nod to Sex and the City, because raise your hand if you’re a basic bitch. I first watched Sex and the City when I was way too young to be watching that, which is probably why I’m both a writer and a pervert. And I, like many other millennials, still connect to the show to this day, even though it’s been off the air for almost twenty years.
Beyond my level of basic bitch adoration, the Sex and the City nod is for a deeper reason. (I’m, like, so deep, guys.) In the way that Carrie Bradshaw talked about the intersection of sex and New York City in her articles, I’ll be talking about the intersection of sex and television. In the way Carrie explored modelizers in the city of models, I’ll be asking the hard-hitting questions like ‘Just how bad does everyone’s grundle smell on Game of Thrones?’ and ‘Why do I masturbate to some TV shows and not others?’
See? HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS.
You may be rolling your eyes at another white girl writing about sex. To which yeah, you’re right. I may not have the most diverse, unheard voice in the universe. But hey, at the very least it’s not another white dude talking about sex, right?
On a real note, in today’s climate, I think it’s important for women to continue talking about sex. Unfortunately, the number of personal, feminine spaces on the Internet has been declining. Particularly, The-Toast.net, an off-beat humor site run by two women, shut down. I’m still crying over that. xoJane.com – the first place that ever paid me for my writing! – also shut down. xoJane was controversial in that it often published clickbait articles, but it was also a site run largely by women that regularly published articles in which women talked in detail about their sex lives. So that’s cool, even with the clickbait.
Not that I want to, aim to, or hope to fill the whole in the Internet that The-Toast and xoJane left behind, but I just think the Internet should always be full of women talking about masturbation fantasies, period stains, and lockjaw. I mean, for what other reason was thy Internet invented?
Yeah, I know. Porn. Porn is 100% why the Internet was invented. But still, talking about period stains should be a close second.
But Like, Who Even Am I?
If you know who I am when I’m not writing, you may be asking how I’m actually a writer. If that’s the case, don’t worry. I’m not offended. I know I don’t necessarily come off as the most articulate, intelligent, or ambitious person. It doesn’t offend me that people don’t immediately see me as smart. In fact, I get it. I have a high-pitched voice, pronounce most words wrong, and drink myself into dangerous situations on a monthly basis. So, how is this person a writer?
First of all, many writers are crazy drinkers, so really all my years of throwing up in bushes were just prep for this career. Who knew?
Anyway, me as a writer. I have a BFA in Screenwriting and Creative Writing from University of the Arts. After graduating, I moved to LA to become a famous screenwriter. HA-HA. I did work in the entertainment industry as an assistant for two years. Picture The Devil Wears Prada, but subtract all the fashion and add in misogyny and cocaine, y’know because Hollywood. After my stint as an assistant, I embraced the freelance writer life and started writing for online publications. I’m glossing over the part in which I struggled SO MUCH to get my freelance career up and running, but that shit is depressing so let’s not revisit those months I spent on the struggle bus.
While jumping into the freelance writer life (aka before I knew anything at all about writing for the Internet), I launched a blog called Words Like Lace. That blog is one of the most embarrassing things I’ve done to this day. Like, I’d rather have period blood on a pair of light-wash jeans in public than talk about that shitty blog. (I’ll probably say that about this blog someday too, though.)
Words Like Lace was a poetry blog, with no vision. I just wanted to post quickly written poetry, become an Insta-Poet (which is a weird subset on Instagram), and sell poetry books. Only, I don’t enjoy writing poetry quickly. I don’t enjoy writing anything quickly. I’m slow writer, who has to edit a lot. That said, I wasn’t posting the poetry of which I am proud. Also, a poetry blog? WHAT WAS I THINKING? Ugh, the whole idea of Words Like Lace was just… not good. Though, I do like the name Words Like Lace.
Now I’m here in 2017. I’ve been writing for the Internet for two years and I have one failed poetry blog, which is probably about par. I now actually understand – at least, I think I understand – how writing for the internet works. I’ve written for xoJane, Hellogiggles, InStyle, Bust, Ranker, and various other well-known publications. I’ve had articles go viral and be viewed millions of times, which is a truly, truly weird experience. Every time I have a piece that goes super viral like that, I have this odd feeling of both pride and embarrassment. I’m happy my writing is being read and shared by so many people, but I’m also suddenly so embarrassed of my writing. It’s like being naked in front of people and those people are telling you that you look hot, but you’re still not into being naked in front of people. If that makes any sense.
Hopefully, this blog will help with the whole naked part of writing, though.
In my two years of writing for the Internet, I’ve mostly written listicles because the internet loves listicles. If you’re unfamiliar with that term, a “listicle” is anything at all you’ve read that’s in list format. So yes, everything on the Internet from “7 Major WTF Moments on Tonight’s Episode of The Walking Dead” to “12 Signs He’s About to Ghost You,” which are both listicles I’ve written in the past. Since I can write whatever I want on this blog, it’ll be my chance to write more essays and less listicles, which gets a big YAAASSS from me.
Writing more essays may actually be the part that excites me most about this blog. That and Jon Snow’s ball hair.
To Finally Conclude and STFU
Only assholes start blogs and I’m starting a blog. Yes, that makes me an asshole. Yes, I’m saying, HEY, LOOK AT ME! READ MY WORDS! Yes, I’m the worst. Listen, I’m even rolling my eyes at this, but it seemed like the next logical step in my career. So, here we are.
But I do promise you this. In exchange for the time you spend reading this blog instead of scrolling through your Instagram feed, I promise to try to keep it fun and never give you styling tips for your hummus spread. I feel like that’s fair.
Reader, I love you if you actually made it ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE through all the writing about how I’m an asshole but I’m not an asshole but I’m an asshole. The coming posts will be less about assholes and more about vaginas. Or maybe still about assholes, but… Well, you get it.